that no matter what age I am, I will always remain a little girl in the eyes of my Mum.. somehow along the way, I must have forgotten this but the recent turn of events somehow jolted me into reality.
You see, I’m the eldest child in the family. Parents have often been strict with me but being their first-born, I’ve been showered with unconditional love for the longest time before the siblings came along. I hardly doubt I was the easiest child. I was apparently grumpy and when the parents dropped me off at childcare, I would cry buckets. Despite being difficult in my own ways, whatever the parents told me to do, I would usually do it because ‘I’m the eldest and needed to set an example.’ Even if I didn’t necessarily agreed with some of their views, I would just do it the way they wanted it because deep down inside, I knew it would make them happy. Perhaps that honed the rebellion in me as I grew older and formed my opinions. Age did play a part when I felt the independence kicking in. The reverse also sort of happened, my siblings started listening to my parents more and perhaps doing the things that they wanted. Maybe with age, my parents eased up on the parenting since technically, all of us are independent and could stand firm on our feet.
When I was much younger, I naturally relied on my parents for everything. Mum will sort out tuition for me if I wasn’t doing well. If I needed braces, Mum would be there and sort it out for me. Want to learn how to play the organ? Just ask Mum. Well, you know the drift.
Perhaps part of growing up meant the independence. Me doing my own stuff, sorting out my life and no longer relying on my parents. I didn’t want to burden them any longer. They have brought me up well and it’s time for me to take charge and be responsible with my own life. Perhaps, I have forgotten that my parents way of showing their love to me and my siblings are by doing the things that they can do. The youngest is still living with my parents and Mum would prepare her breakfast with slices of fruit or leave post-it-notes around the house to remind her to do stuff. Well, being the youngest does have its privileges. For my second sis, my parents would make every effort to care for my nephews so that my sis could have her own time to herself if ever needed. As for me, I didn’t want them to worry so I just basically shouldered everything on my own and kept stuff to myself.
With the impending arrival of Bun, naturally, the family especially Mum have been very excited. After each doc’s visit, I would share scans of Bun via our family What’s App chat. When we meet for church on a weekly basis, Mum would stroke Bump and tell her ‘Por Por loves you very much!‘ On several occasions, she asked if she could join me on my monthly visits to the gynae. I found the request to be a little strange because I didn’t want to waste her time sitting around the clinic and waiting for sometimes close to an hour before seeing the gynae for only 10 minutes. Perhaps I also felt a little funny having my Mum accompany on these visits, afraid of what others may think of me. But after a sharing with my sis, I think it must have been difficult for my Mum to make this request and it must have meant something to her. It could be a right of passage for my Mum to see her little girl becoming a Mum? I don’t know.. but with the Man in the hospital, I could either (a) go on my own – which I had no problems, or (b) make Mum happy and ask if she was available to company me. After much deliberation, I chose the latter and I think it made her day.
It also made me think the road ahead as I take on a new role in my life as a mother. The selfless love and devotion that only a mother can show unto her child will transcend all ages. No matter what age I will be, my Mum will always be there for me. Even though she doesn’t say much, she will always try to show it whatever way she can.
So ahead of Mother’s Day, I pen down my deepest thoughts in this honestly open-post for I know somehow or rather, she will be reading this. I don’t think I can openly tell her all this face-to-face for I will be a puddle of mess even before opening my mouth. Pregno hormones going on a rampage this last trimester, I tell you! I know I don’t say or do much these days, but thank you Mummy for all that you have done for me and for the family all these years…
Love always: Your first and not so-lil girl!